PLANE, OLD, & DRYHUMPING
By Dina Kelberman

Characters:
The characters are seperated into 3 clumps. Members of a common clump are acknowledging of each other’s existance. Members of uncommon clumps are not.
Clump One
SQUARE, a blue square
TRIANGLE, a yellow triangle
CLOUD, a white cloud (wears tophat)
SQUARE W/TOPHAT, a blue square (wears tophat)
RAINBOW, a rainbow with a white cloud at the end
CIRCLE, a red circle
RECTANGLE, an orange rectangle. must be able to cut hair very well. is not british.
SATURN, the planet Saturn. Saturn colored.
CHANDELIER, a chandelier
These characters are people in giant costumes in flat colors which hopefully disguise their genders but probably won’t. Gender and relationship neutrality is key. See costume designs for further explanation of looks**.
Clump Two
A, a red guy
B, also a red guy
These two are animated.
Clump Three
CHILDREN, two children between the ages of 5 and 9
MAN, a man walking a dog
BOY, a young-aged boy. wears a striped shirt and cap. more old-timey than MAN.
These characters are people.

ACT I
Setting -- Nowhere. Outside. SQUARE and TRIANGLE are on the stage. House lights are on. In front of the stage to the right is a desktop computer on a table. Upstage is an old armchair and t.v., looking as though they are not relevant to the current play. A projection screen is against the back wall, preferably dirty. There may or may not be a platform or scaffolding for CLOUD to walk on. Also possibly a pulley system in view. It would be cool if there were some kind of outdoor-greenery type set piece hanging around towards the left, also very dirty and old and unrelated-looking. The whole stage should look as though it is in-between shows, with unrelated props strewn about, things dirty and/or half-built, etc. As though the play has caught the room by surprise.SQUARE: Hey.

TRIANGLE: Hello there. How’s doins?
SQUARE: I’m okay. (excited) I have a headache!
TRIANGLE: Wow!
SQUARE: It went away.
Pause.
TRIANGLE: Bye!
TRIANGLE leaves.
SQUARE: I like spending time alone.
CLOUD enters. Floats above & to the right of SQUARE on a cable or walks on a high platform. Wears a top hat.
CLOUD: Hay!
SQUARE: Hay!
CLOUD moves directly above SQUARE and rains on SQUARE for the rest of their conversation. This is possibly achieved by having CLOUD hold a rain machine, although that may not bode well for the rest of the play.
SQUARE: What time is it?
CLOUD: 4:31.
SQUARE: Almost time for dinner.
CLOUD: (quite jovial) I never eat dinner! I’m a cloud!
SQUARE: (equally jovial) Oh, you!
CLOUD: It’s a living!
SQUARE: (same as before) Oh, . . . !
CLOUD: Haha! Get me my armchair!
SQUARE: You nut!
CLOUD: Ha!
SQUARE: This is crazy! You are just a nut!
CLOUD: Ha!
SQUARE: You are out there!
CLOUD: Ha!
CLOUD stops raining and drifts away.
SQUARE: (nostalgically) What a character. (enthusiastically) What a personality!!
SQUARE imagines itself wearing CLOUD’s tophat. (This is depicted by SQUARE W/TOPHAT, wearing a tophat, who comes onstage next to SQUARE.)
RAINBOW and CIRCLE enter. They have candles. Not lit or anything. Maybe. They speak in unison.
RAINBOW & CIRCLE: Hello!
SQUARE: Hello!
RAINBOW & CIRCLE: We were just returning these candles!
SQUARE W/TOPHAT exits.
SQUARE: Not me!
RAINBOW & CIRCLE: You’ve got it easy.
All wink at the audience in a very theatrical way. RAINBOW and CIRCLE leave to return their candles.
SQUARE turns on a television and watches it. He sits in an armchair while doing this.
RECTANGLE enters.
RECTANGLE: (really loud) How goes it, chap??
SQUARE: I wish I had a lover.
RECTANGLE: (he’s always shouting) I hear that!
SQUARE: Do you want to give me a haircut?
RECTANGLE: (totally excited, really eager to cut square’s hair) Holy crap!
RECTANGLE proceeds to actually cut SQUARE’s hair while SQUARE watches t.v. RECTANGLE gives SQUARE a really good haircut, a chin-length bob. That flips up.
RECTANGLE finishes the haircut. It looks great!
RECTANGLE: Done! Chap!
SQUARE: Wicked.
A projection of a starscape, hurtling-through-the-stars kind of thing, probably that screensaver, is projected onto a large screen behind the characters. The lights stay up. SATURN enters at the far rear, right next to the screen. Probably standing in the way of the projection. SQUARE and RECTANGLE watch SATURN say his line.
SATURN: (with great weight, but not like an old person) It really does matter. (Somehow make it come across that he is referring to SQUARE’s haircut.)
SATURN exits, the projection ceases.
SQUARE: It’s fun to write plays!
RECTANGLE: Well, I’ve got to go, chap! Exits.
Two children, between the ages of 5 and 9, walk by.
TRIANGLE enters. He keeps his arms up.
TRIANGLE: I’m keeping my arms up!
SQUARE: That’s a pretty good thing to do.
TRIANGLE: I’m a scientist!
CURTAIN

ACT II
Takes place on a desktop computer in front of stage & off to one side. Flash animation. Lights stay up. It would be best if this animation could start by itself, with nobody operating the computer, although this may not be possible. Although if it is even the slightest bit possible, go to any length in order to achieve it. The animation is a sea-green background w/ two characters facing each other. They are A and B They are both red, I think. Both voices are performed by me, Dina Kelberman.

A: Watch how long I can hold my breath!! Puffs out cheeks and holds breath really enthusiastically.
B: Wow, that’s a really long time!
A: (still holding breath) Yeah, I was surprised the first time I found out.
B: You’ve really got something there!
A: (holding breath) Totally.
B: I feel like I’m at a real impasse in my life. What am I going to do?? Did I totally just waste 6 years of
the most crucial time in my life?
A: (no longer holding breath) I always thought I was really smart, smarter than everybody else. But it
turns out I’m totally stupid. I’m an actual loser!
B: Oh god, my parents were right.
END OF ANIMATION

ACT III
MAN enters from the left, walking a white dog. Preferably a Dalmatian or black & white mutt of some kind.

MAN: Sit! The dog sits. Stay! It stays. Roll over! Yes. Play dead! Does it. Shake! The dog shakes.
Attack! The dog attacks MAN’s leg. Fake, of course. Speak! The dog barks it up. Good boy! The
dog smiles. No! The dog frowns. (These last two, of course, do not happen.)
MAN pets the dog. The dog appears to be content. BOY enters from the left.
BOY: Hiya, Mister!
MAN: Hello, son!
They walk off across the stage, jauntily whistling a tune.
CIRCLE enters from the right. Wearing a windbreaker.
CIRCLE: I’m so itchy!
SQUARE enters from the left.
SQUARE: Hi. Waves hello.
CIRCLE: Hi. Waves hello.
SQUARE: Where’d you get those candles from? The ones from before.
CIRCLE: I don’t know, Rainbow got them. They were really expensive. I bought this jacket!
They stand around a while. Not in an uncomfortable way, though.
SQUARE: Did you ever read poetry?
CIRCLE: Which one?
SQUARE: A long poem.
CIRCLE: I think in high school.
SQUARE: It must be hard to write good poetry.
CIRCLE: No way.
SQUARE: Yeah.
CHANDELIER enters, hanging from a wire. There is a speaker attached to it, which is where it’s lines come from.
CHANDELIER: Hey you guys.
SQUARE & CIRCLE: (in unison) Hey!
CHANDELIER: What’s happening?
SQUARE: Just shootin’ the shit, dude.
CHANDELIER: My back hurts.
SQUARE: All you do is complain!!
CHANDELIER: Cynic.
CIRCLE: What have you got there?
CHANDELIER: It’s a poem I wrote. Want to hear it?
CIRCLE: I guess so.
CHANDELIER: The pine-soaked membranes of her shoulders twitched under his cold, sweaty palms.
“Cry for me!” A thousand kisses underneath a dark sky.
“You are my only one” she hissed. Kisses. Hissed. A gunshot. This is forever.
CIRCLE: That’s the best poem I’ve ever heard. Seriously!
CHANDELIER: I’m renound!
CIRCLE: Boy!
CIRCLE and CHANDELIER exit. SQUARE stands in the center of the stage.
SQUARE: With this ring, I thee wed.

CURTAIN

The end.