Job Hunt

by Abra Aducci

INT. METRA TRAIN - MORNING
TED, 25, and dressed in a new suit that is making him uncomfortable, sits stiffly by himself on the train’s upper tier.  Although his attire seems to be freshly-purchased, his tie is incredibly wrinkled, and the briefcase that sits at his side is a little shabby, probably a hand-me-down.  He glances down at his watch - 8:56.
TED V.O
Eight fifty-six.
The minute hand changes.
TED V.O (cont’d)
Seven.
He looks around the train, which is almost completely empty.  The other PASSENGERS are the typical day-time riders: mothers with children, high schoolers playing hookey, and commuters late for work.  Out the window is a seemingly endless stream of suburbia.  Ted tries to push the seat in front of him over, so he can put his legs up, but finds it won’t budge.  He pushes again, louder, and the motionless seat only makes a loud screeching sound.  Ted shrugs, giving up.  He looks at his watch, again - 8:59.  The minute hand changes - 9:00.  The train jerks suddenly, startling Ted, and causing the seat in front of him to fall forward into the desired position.  A little confused, Ted puts his feet up and opens his briefcase.  On top is a stack of resumes, with noticeably little job experience.  He lifts them to reveal a tattered copy of “Death of a Salesman.”  He runs his hand over the cover, than opens it to read.  All the pages are missing, leaving only the binding.   
TED V.O (cont’d)
What the shit...?
Looking up from the destroyed book, Ted discovers that other passengers have disappeared and the train is now full of suited BUSINESSMEN, all staring straight ahead.  Ted puts the book away and closes the briefcase.  He looks around the interior of the train, hoping to find something to read.  He sees a discretionary posting with the heading, “METRA - COMMITTED TO SAVING LIVES.  Below are pictures of toddlers and babies. 
TED V.O (cont’d)
What baby is hanging out by the train tracks?
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - CONTINUOUS
A BABY in a diaper is crawling over the tracks, cooing adorably.  A train is racing toward him.  The baby’s MOTHER comes stepping over a hill, wiping her hands on her apron. 
MOTHER
Carlon?!  Carlon?!
She spots the baby, who has drool running down his face.
MOTHER (cont’d)
Oh, there you are.
She casually picks up the baby and carries him away, right out of the path of the speeding train.  Seconds later, a train comes by in the opposite direction.  Ted can be seen in the window, staring at the advertisement.
CUT TO:
INT. METRA TRAIN - CONTINUOUS
Ted quits staring out the window and heads down the stairs.
INT. METRA BATHROOM - SECONDS LATER
Closing and locking the sliding door only slightly erases the sound of the train rattling outside.  Ted takes his dick out and pisses.  Two older businessmen stand outside the bathroom chatting.  Their conversation is loudly audible.
BUSINESSMAN 1 V.O
What’s your salary like?
BUSINESSMAN 2 V.O
Unbelievable!  Six figures!
Ted stops pissing and turns over his shoulder, weirded out.
BUSINESSMAN 1 V.O
My man, my man!
BUSINESSMAN 2 V.O
We’re talking in-ground pool here!  Am I right? 
Ted is distracted.  The blonde has disappeared.
BUSINESSMAN 1 V.O
Two cats yarn yarn kill.
BUSINESSMAN 2 V.O
(laughing:)
Right, right!  Braided cod.
The conversation ends.  After a second of confusion, Ted finishes urinating.  He notices an advertisement pasted to the door - DEPRESSED?  OUT OF WORK?  SLOVENLY?  CALL 555-5555.  SUICIDE HOTLINE AND FREE FASHION TIPS!  He exits the bathroom. 
INT. METRA TRAIN - SECONDS LATER
Ted heads back to his seat to find it occupied by a grizzled-looking DRUNK BUSINESSMAN, who has his legs propped up on the seat.  He has fallen asleep, holding a bottle of beer, Ted’s briefcase at his side.  His knuckles read, “WORK HARD.”  Hesitant to disturb him, Ted gingerly retrieves his briefcase.  He’s about to turn to leave, when he notices his copy of “Death of a Salesman,” clutched in the businessman’s arm.   
CONDUCTOR V.O
The next stop will be fifty-third street, Calumet City.
Ted quickly reaches for his book, but the businessman clutches it closer to his chest, still sleeping.  Ted pulls at the book, but the man pulls it back, snoring loudly. 
CONDUCTOR V.O (cont’d)
Doors will be opening on the right at fifty-third street, Calumet City.
The trains sounds like it’s driving to a halt.  Ted gives  another good yank, and the man opens his eyes.
TED
Uh, that’s mine.
DRUNKEN BUSINESSMAN
(indicating the beer bottle:)
This?
The train stops and the doors are heard sliding open.
TED
No.  That.
Ted jerks the book away from him and rushes for the doors.
DRUNKEN BUSINESSMAN
(calling behind him:)
But I was on the last page!
The businessman burps loudly as Ted barely exits the train before the doors close.
EXT. ABANDONED LANDSCAPE - CONTINUOUS
Ted shoves “Death of a Salesman,” back into his briefcase.  He looks up to find the place deserted.  His watch reads 9:15.  He reaches into his pocket and brings out a small datebook.  He opens it to his appointment: 1500 INDUSTRY ROW, CALUMET CITY, 11:00.  He glances up at the desolate landscape. 
TED V.O
Industry row?
A grim wind blows Ted’s tie over his shoulder.  The page with the address on it escapes from the datebook and flies off with the wind.  Ted goes after it.  He finds it a few feet away, attached to a loose nail on a very rusty sign, pointing the way to INDUSTRY ROW.  The direction on the sign is pointed east, but mostly pointed down.  Another strong gust of wind blows through, and the arrow on the sign spins, changing directions to indicate west. 
TED V.O (cont'd)
(disdainful:)
Fuckin’ shit.
Ted yanks the address off the sign and starts to head east.
EXT. ABANDONED ROAD - CONTINUOUS
After walking down the road a few feet, Ted finds himself at a dead end.  A tumble weed sits in front of him.  He turns back.
EXT. ABANDONED ROAD - CONTINUOUS
Ted finds himself at another dead end, at a pasture with a cow.  He turns back.
EXT. ABANDONED ROAD - CONTINUOUS
Ted finds himself back at the tumbleweed, again.  He turns back.
EXT. ABANDONED ROAD - CONTINUOUS
Ted finds himself back at the pasture.  The cow shrugs at him.  He turns back.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - CONTINUOUS
Ted is miraculously back at the train tracks.  His watch reads 10:15. 
TED V.O
That took an hour?!
The arrow on the sign for INDUSTRY ROW is now twisted into a corkscrew.  Ted stares at it, aghast.  A train approaches, heading away from Calumet City.  It pulls up, and a CONDUCTOR emerges.
CONDUCTOR
All aboard!
TED
Is this the train back to the city?
CONDUCTOR
You got it.
Another train on the opposite side of the tracks zooms by, heading deeper into Calumet City.  The passengers are Businessmen, toasting each other with glasses of champagne.  The passengers of the train back to the city are the same ones from earlier, teenagers, mothers and children, and the like.  Ted starts to climb the stairs to the train back to the city, but stops in his tracks.
CONDUCTOR (cont’d)
All aboard!
Briefly drawn between the two options, Ted steps down from the stairs. 
TED
How do I get to Industry row?
CONDUCTOR
Read the sign!
He backs into the train.
TED
But it’s all screwy...
The Conductor smiles and winks.
CONDUCTOR
It’s all part of the job hunt, isn’t it?
The conductor tips back his head and laughs maliciously and the doors close in front of him and the train speeds away.
TED
Dick.
Ted stares off into the horizon.  With a bead of sweat on his forehead, he momentarily looks like a hero.  With renewed vigor, he heads North, where he sees a small, ghostly town.
EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Crossing past an alley, a voice calls to Ted:
STREETTOUGH 1
Hey, Mister!
Ted stops.  He turns down the alley to find the source of the voice - three teenaged STREETTOUGHS.  STREETTOUGH 1 oils his fists.  STREETTOUGH 2 searching through the contents of a woman’s purse, obviously stolen.  STREETTOUGH 3 combs and re-combs his hair.
STREETTOUGH 1 (cont'd)
Got any change?
TED
(rustling through his pockets)
Uh...I’m kinda broke right now?
STREETTOUGH 2
Ya sure about that?
TED
Pretty sure. 
(he starts off, then stops.)
Shouldn’t you be in school, right now?
STREETTOUGH 2
(nervous:)
Uh, we’re in school!
STREETTOUGH 3
We’re on a field trip!  Yeah, yeah!  A field trip!
TED
And what school are you enrolled in, exactly?
The Streettoughs think it over.
STREETTOUGH 1
Uh...Yale!  We’re philosophy majors!
TED
Oh, yeah?  Prove it!
STREETTOUGH 3
(to Streettough 1:)
Show ‘im, Bruno!
Streettough 1 clears his throat.
STREETTOUGH 1
“The...uh... unexamined life is not worth living.”  Socrates.
TED
“Talk sense to a fool, and he calls you foolish.”
(beat)
Euripides.
The Streettoughs stare at each other.
STREETTOUGH 1
Hey, how about this - “You’d better watch ya ass.”  Me.
The Streettoughs remove switchblades and approach him, intimidatingly.
TED
(not afraid:)
What are you gonna do?  Beat me up?  Rob me?
STREETTOUGH 2
Maybe.  What you got in that briefcase, mister?
TED
Resumes.  Nothing but resumes.
STREETTOUGH 2
Resumes?
STREETTOUGH 1
We been looking for a pickpocket...
The Streetttoughs approach him, menacingly.  Ted turns and runs.  The Streettoughs chase him down the block.
EXT. A FEW BLOCKS AHEAD - CONTINUOUS
Turning the corner, Ted catches sight of a quaint cafe, called, “Anne’s,” with a “Help Wanted” sign in the window.  He runs inside.
INT. ANNE’S - CONTINUOUS
The door rings when Ted enters.  The Streettoughs run past the diner without seeing Ted, who stands in the doorway, gasping for breath.  The patrons of Anne’s are all friendly REGULARS, small-town folk enjoying their meals.  The proprietress, ANNE, is pouring coffee for a kindly OLD MAN.  Both of them smile broadly at Ted.
OLD MAN
Hey there, slick!
ANNE
What were you lookin’ for, mister?  A quick meal?
TED
(still out of breath:)
Sorry...
ANNE
A job?
TED
Yes!
The restaurant’s patrons turn their heads in anticipation.
TED (cont’d)
But...not here.  I need to find industry row.
OLD MAN
Big city type?
TED
What?
OLD MAN
Don’t see many suits and ties around these parts.  Except on Sunday.
ANNE
Yep, folks around here enjoy the simpler things.
She continues to fill the Old Man’s mug until it overflows with coffee.
ANNE (cont'd)
Catching up with a friend.  Fishing trout til the sun goes down.  Even spending a few hours just rolling around with an old hound.  It might not be fancy, but it’s what some of us call life.
TED
That’s nice, but you don’t know how to get to -
ANNE
- and a mighty fine life it is, wouldn’t you say so, Mrs. Jellyburg?
MRS. JELLYBURG is an elderly woman missing most of her teeth.
MRS. JELLYBURG
(holding up her coffee mug:)
The coffee’s warm and the smiles are even warmer!
Ted lifts his wrist to look at his watch.
TED
I’ve really got to -
ANNE puts her hand over Ted’s wrist before he can read the time.
ANNE
Around here, we run on a different time.  A slower time.  An American time.
SMALL TOWN CUSTOMER
Slice of apple pie when you get the chance, Ms. Anne!
ANNE
Coming right up!
Anne hands the pot of coffee to Ted and, wiping her hands on her apron, disappears into the kitchen.  Ted stares at the coffee pot, having no idea what to do with it.  Anne almost instantly re-emerges from the kitchen, placing an oversized slice of pie in front of the customer. 
TED
Um...is there anywhere else that’s open around -
ANNE
The name’s Anne.  Anne Summersby.  Says so right on the sign. 
Anne takes off her apron.
ANNE (cont’d)
So when customers come in here, asking the name of the place, you tell ‘em to get their eyes checked!
The restaurant’s patrons laugh, uproariously.
ANNE (cont’d)
Now, I’m tough, but fair.
MRS. JELLYBURG
And she makes a mean apple pie!
Anne puts the apron around Ted’s neck.
ANNE
And you might find yourself getting your hands dirty once in a while -
Ted tries to shimmy out of the apron but Anne is busying tying it behind his neck.
TED
Listen -
The Old Man lifts his coffee mug.
OLD MAN
Wouldn’t mind a warm-up!
TED
(absentmindedly pouring coffee:)
I can’t work -
ANNE
And I can’t pay you much, but what we lack in funds we make up for in spirit!
OLD MAN
Good to have you on board, son!
MRS. JELLYBURG
You’ll make a fine worker!
Anne removes the “Help Wanted” sign from the window.
SMALL TOWN CUSTOMER
You’ll fit in just fine!
The sound of congratulations turns into a roar. 
TED
(screaming above the noise:)
I’m not working here!
The place goes silent.
ANNE
You don’t want to work here?
TED
No!  No, I don’t!  I’m an administrator not a...short order cook!  I’m sorry but...I have to go!
They stare at him in a mix of confusion and hatred.  Anne cries softly as she re-places the “Help Wanted” sign in the window.  Ted brushes his hair back and exits.  The sound of bell on the door reverberates in the cold silence.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF ANNE’S - CONTINUOUS
Frustrated, Ted slams the door behind him.  Inside the restaurant, Anne and the patrons can be heard wailing, hysterically.  The “Help Wanted” sign is torn out of the window and replaced with a sign reading, “OUT OF BUSINESS.”  Ted looks at his watch.  10:23.
TED V.O
Shit!
EXT. ABANDONED LANDSCAPE - MOMENTS LATER
Making his way up the road, Ted finds a street sign.  Unfortunately, the writing has been worn off.  He moves up the block toward another sign, but it is additionally unreadable.  A BUM staggers towards him, carrying a bag of cans.
BUM
You got any cash?
TED
No, but do you know how to get to Industry Row?
BUM
Yes.
Long pause.  The Bum stares at him.
TED
How do I get there?
BUM
You got any cash?
TED
I’m going on a job interview.
(beat)
So, I don’t have any cash unless I get this job.
(beat)
Here’s a dollar.
Ted reaches into his pocket and hands the bum a dollar. 
BUM
Thanks, tourist.
The Bum shows Ted his business card.  It reads “CALUMET CITY BUREAU OF TOURISM.”
TED
You’re with the tourist bureau?
BUM
That’s right.
TED
So, what do you need cash for?
BUM
The industry’s a little weak.
Pause.
TED
You’re going to buy drugs, aren’t you?
BUM
Yes.
The bum starts to walk away.
TED
Hey!  You said you’d tell me how to get to industry row!
BUM
That’s private information.  Only available to employees of the bureau of tourism.
TED
Aren’t they all locals?
BUM
Yes.
TED
Then, don’t they already know how to get to Industry Row?
BUM
A lot of the locals are on drugs.
TED
I can tell.
(beat)
So, how do I figure out how to get to Industry Row?
BUM
You’ve got to work for the bureau.  I’ll hire you.
TED
Oh, I’m not going through this again!
BUM
You been to Anne’s?
TED
How’d you know?
BUM
A hunch.  So, you want the job or not?
TED
How long do I have to...work...until you tell me how to get to Industry row?
BUM
Depends on if you select that as one of your benefits.
TED
You offer benefits?
BUM
After a year, I give you this bag of cans. 
TED
Will you also tell me how to get to Industry Row?
BUM
We’ll see at your evaluation.  Still interested?
Ted considers the offer.
CUT TO:
EXT. DUMPSTER - MOMENTS LATER
Sheena Easton’s “Morning Train,” plays.  Ted is painting a ramshackle sign to read, “CALUMET CITY BUREAU OF TOURISM - NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT,” while the Bum supervises.   
The Bum sleeps while Ted, wearing a visor, rushes back and forth with an abandoned grocery cart filled with old newspapers.  He stops to wipe the sweat from his brow.  The Bum opens a watchful eye, and Ted goes back to rushing. 
Ted, wearing sunglasses and pretending to be blind, holds a cup, begging for change.  The watchful Bum shakes his head, and instructs Ted to shake the cup.
The Bum is lounges on the side of the building while Ted brings him a cup of coffee.  The Bum looks at Ted, expectantly.  Ted spikes the coffee with a pour of malt liqueur.  The Bum sips, satisfied. 
The Bum watches carefully while Ted shreds a large number of Enron-related documents by hand.  The song ends.
CUT TO:
INT. DUMPSTER - MOMENTS LATER
The Bum lights the butt end of a large cigar.  Ted, with his tie loosened, looks exhausted.
TED
So, when do I get these directions to Industry Row?
BUM
At your evaluation.
TED
When’s my evaluation?
BUM
In ninety days.
TED
Ninety days!
BUM
Industry standard.
TED
That’s it!  I’m outta here!
Ted throws his business cards to the ground and storms away.  The Bum screams after him.
BUM
You’re never gonna make it in this business!  We only take go-getters at the bureau!  You won’t even win an internship with that attitude!
The Bum realizes he’s missing his bag of cans. 
BUM (cont'd)
Where are my cans?  You took my cans, didn’t you?!  I’ll get you for this!  That’s corporate embezzlement
The Bum starts running after Ted.  Ted flees.  After they’ve gone, a WELL-DRESSED WOMAN strolls by.  She looks at the spot where the Bum used to sit.
WELL-DRESSSED WOMAN
What happened to the bureau of tourism?
EXT. ABANDONED LANDSCAPE - CONTINUOUS
The Bum is in hot pursuit of Ted.  Ted runs by an alley, where the Streettoughs reside. 
STREETTOUGH 3
There he is!
STREETTOUGH 2
Don’t let him get away!
STREETTOUGH 1
He’s proficient in PowerPoint!
The Streettoughs join the Bum in the chase after Ted.  The mob following Ted grows, until it eventually includes the street-toughs, the Bum, Anne and the restaurant patrons, a flock of vultures, a pack of dogs, the Businessmen from the train, and the conductor.  The mob seems to be gaining on Ted, and he’s almost captured before he makes a swift turn into a large white building.
INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ted leans against the front door, gasping for breath, sweating profusely, and still desperately clutching his briefcase.  He realizes his surroundings.  The office is serene, softly lit.  A PIANIST is playing a magnificent symphony at a baby grand, and seems to be accompanied by a choir of angels, whose voices rise out of the aether.  Lush, oversized plants adorn the halls of purest gold, and walls are hung with the finest paintings of the Old Masters.  Ted turns around to look at the inscription of the door.  It reads: 1500 INDUSTRY ROW.
TED
(under his breath:)
Impossible Feat Industries...!
Before Ted is a monolithic desk bearing the company’s name.  Three stunningly beautiful female RECEPTIONISTS sit behind it.  Two of them are typing, and the third is administering a massage to a MALE EMPLOYEE on a massage table.  Above the desk is a gigantic clock.  It chimes as the minute hand turns.  11:00 has arrived. 
RECEPTIONIST 1
Hello, Ted.  We’ve been expecting you...
She gestures to a huge glass door, with “OPPORTUNITY” engraved in it.
TED
How did you know my name?
RECEPTIONIST 2
We’ve been waiting all morning...
RECEPTIONIST 3
We’ve all seen your resume...
RECEPTIONIST 1
And we can’t wait to tell you...
Suddenly, the chimes of heavenly bells are heard throughout the office, as a chorus of overjoyed voices from all around repeat:
ETHEREAL VOICES
You’re hired!  You’re hired!
The receptionists join the voices, repeating the words to Ted as they look him in the eye with excitement.  Ted is flushed with anticipation.  He straightens his tie.  The glass doors open with a flourish, to a roar of applause from within.  A crew of EXECUTIVES and EMPLOYEES exit the office among clouds of confetti.  The PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY exits last, bearing a contract and a feather pen.
PRESIDENT
(barley audible over the melee:)
You’re hired, Ted!
Amidst the revelry, Ted signs the contract.  The president and the crew of executive pat him on the back.
CUT TO:
Ted typing gloriously in his new office, tossing papers over his shoulder with glee.
Ted, at a bar, laughing riotously over drinks with the executives.
Ted, at the end of the day, being handed his pay, in a canvas bag marked with dollar signs.
The gigantic clock, striking 5:00.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE IMPOSSIBLE FEAT INDUSTRIES - SECONDS LATER
Ted comes running out of the building, with utter joy.  He runs to the train.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - MOMENTS LATER
Ted runs across the train tracks, and is run over by a train.
CUT TO BLACK.
In the darkness, a church bell sounds.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY
A lackadaisical GRAVEDIGGER wanders about.  A tombstone reads: TED HOMMERICH - PROFICIENT IN POWERPOINT.  The gravedigger yawns.  He roughly drops his shovel, and it falls over Ted’s tombstone with a loud bang.  The film’s credits are imprinted on tombstones throughout the cemetery.
FADE TO BLACK.