Animal TV

By Abra Aducci

The blackened screen reads:

PART ONE - THE BEDROOM - A NIGHT OF ELEGANCE
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
BEN and ERICA sleep in an insanely messy bedroom.  The area around the bed, there isn’t a single free space to lay your foot down, with all their filthy clothes and pizza scraps.  Ben and Erica are in their big bed. Ben is hunched over a typewriter, with his shirt off, writing furiously.  Erica is also hunched over, so far that we can only see the top of her head and her pink highlights.  Both of them wear thick glasses, and have faces that are average at best.  Erica wears a top that is fit only for the bedroom.  She reads a popular book called, “No Logo.”  On the floor are their two pets.  One of them is a really cute cat, a long haired Siamese, FAYE.  Faye is currently asleep in a pizza box.  He boasts a curly, somewhat evil-looking mustache.  The dog, STELLA, an ugly boxer, is eating the leftover pizza scraps around Faye’s body.  It is vegan pizza, so it has no cheese.
ERICA
Wild!

BEN
What?
ERICA
Oh, you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you...
BEN
What is it, now?
ERICA
Did you know that both Nestle and Post -
            BEN
Post?
ERICA
Like Post cereal...like wheat flakes?
BEN
Oh, yes.
ERICA
They’re made by Phillip-Morris!
                                                           
BEN
No kidding!
ERICA
Fact.
BEN
(to the dog)
Stella, you’d better quit smoking.
ERICA
Yes, she’d better.
Erica sits up and lights a cigarette.  One of the lenses is missing from her glasses.
BEN
Well, look at you go!
ERICA
What?
BEN
Smoking like that!  What kind of lesson is that for our children?
Stella looks up quizzically.
ERICA
Joke’s on you, Ben.   They’re American Spirits.  I switched.
BEN
American Spirits.  The non corporate, corporate cigarette.
ERICA
Ha ha.
She luxuriously blows smoke circles, then goes back to reading, all hunched over.
BEN
You know, if you fixed those glasses, you wouldn’t have so many headaches.
ERICA
Go on!
BEN
It’s true!
ERICA
You think?  Well, we’ll see.
(beat)
So, how’s the script going?
BEN
Uh...great.  I just need to hear this sound sample.
(Ben clicks a button on his computer and a brief segment of the Talking Heads song, “Animals,” is heard.)
Ah, perfect!
ERICA
(to herself:)
What are you up to?
FAYE hops onto the bed and crawls over Ben.
BEN
Oh, not you, again!
ERICA
Give him affection!  He’s been so lonely, lately.
Faye curls his mustache mischievously with his paw.
ERICA (cont’d)
So listless...so bored...his coat has an unhealthy sheen.
Faye crawls on top of the computer and sits on it, licking and pawing at Ben’s face.
BEN
He’s getting his spit all over me!
ERICA
Oh, leave him be.
BEN
(to FAYE, wagging his finger:)
Don’t you think you should be cleaning up or something?
(Faye playfully swipes at his finger; Ben is stricken with inspiration)
Clean up!  Yes!
He types furiously.
ERICA
A good trip to the fair oughta cure him of his loneliness.  Imagine!  Stuck in the house all day with no one for company but that old dog.  Dull!
BEN
You’re all talk!  Besides, you’re too hard on the mutt.  Look, you’ve made her cry!
A tear runs down Stella’s cheek.  She runs into the corner to weep.
ERICA
Well, she can come to, if she wants. 
One of Stella’s ears perks up when she hears a mention of the fair.  She barks happily and wags her tail.
BEN
Do you mean that?  Really?
ERICA
I suppose.
BEN
Darling!
He kisses her cheek.  Annoyed, she wipes it away. 
ERICA
Now, who’s getting spit everywhere?
BEN
You’re too cold.
ERICA
Can’t you see I’m trying to read!
BEN
Well, I’m trying to write.
ERICA
Not trying very hard, are you?
BEN
You’d be surprised at how much work I’ve gotten done.
ERICA
How much?
BEN
Three pages.  But it’s set to music, so it’ll actually be longer.
ERICA
(to herself:)
How does that make any sense -
BEN
The work of a master!
ERICA
If it’s so good, let’s hear it.
BEN
No, not yet.  Give me a minute.
ERICA
Alright.
Ben writes quietly while Erica, Stella, and Faye crowd around to look over his shoulder.  He notices.
BEN
Out all of you!
Erica twists back over to her book and Stella and Faye start playing cards, as if that’s what they were doing all along. 
BEN (cont'd)
(to the animals:)
You can’t fool me!  Look at that hand!
Faye and Stella look away, sheepishly.  Ben turns and sees the alarm clock, which menacingly reads: 3:00.
BEN (cont'd)
Oh, lord, will you look at the time!
ERICA
It’s not so bad.
BEN
But we want to get a head start at getting to the fair!  It’s a three hour drive!
ERICA
So?  We’ll get there in time to see all the attractions!
BEN
Doubtful.
ERICA
How do you mean, doubtful?
BEN
Knowing you, we’ll wake up at one o’clock, it’ll take you at least an hour to put your face on, we’ll start to drive, and soon, enough, either you or one of the animals will be crying out for a snack.  Then it’s hither and thither, deciding where to eat, what to order for whom, until we haven’t hit the road until two hours later.  Quickly followed by bathroom breaks, walkings, gas stations, and inevitably more snacks.  By the time we actually get to the fair, it’ll be eight o’clock, or later, and everything will be shutting down!  I’m sure we won’t even get to see the livestock, the main reason I wanted to go!
Ben is pouting, now.
ERICA
Oh, you overreact.  Look, you’ve gotten them all riled up!
The animals are wailing and shooting heroin.
ERICA (cont’d)
The best thing to do right now is get a good night’s sleep.
BEN
But I’m not done working!  And after that, I promised Stella that I’d finish setting up her friendster profile!
ERICA
But you’ve been working on it for the past week!
She can never decide what bands she’s into!  On Monday, it was post-punk, this week it’s electroclash! How am I supposed to keep up?
ERICA (cont’d)
Well, that’s why we got the pets their own computers!  So we wouldn’t have to be burdened with their changing tastes!
Two Imacs sit forgotten in the corner, covered in cobwebs.
BEN
What snobs!  We have to do practically everything for them!  Feed them, remove their feces from the sidewalk, keep saving their work to zip drives...
ERICA
I’ve really had it up to here with animals!
BEN
Me, too.
ERICA
So, are you ready to show me what you’re working on?
BEN
I guess.  It’s called, “Animals.”
(The animals come sniffing at the bedside)
Yes, yes, you can listen, too.
The animals jump on the bed, and all gather around the laptop.
BEN (cont’d)
Alright, into...blackout...and cut to-
CUT TO:
INSIDE BEN’S MIND - MONTAGE
The funny end part of the Talking Head’s song, “Animals,” is playing. 
We see a cat’s feet walking back and forth to the music.
A dog’s tongue hanging from it’s mouth.
Cat’s feet, again.
Faye, wearing a small apron, is pushing a broom around the floor, brushing away all the trash.
Ben is in a large field, surrounded by dogs, who run rampant and frisky around him.  He flails his arms and wails with frustration.
Cat’s feet.
A dog’s tail wagging.
A cat painting it’s toenails.
Stella is eating chili from a pot.  She looks up and smoke comes out of her ears.
The screen goes black and reads, “Fin.”
RETURN TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ben smiles proudly as everyone else stares at the computer screen in shock. 
BEN
So?  What do you think?
ERICA
It’s...um...
(Stella barks)
Original...
(Faye hisses)
Poignant...an...um...
(Stella growls)
Magical.
BEN
You hate it!  All of you!
ERICA
We don’t hate it, it’s just...weren’t you supposed to be writing a mini-series?
BEN
(wringing his hands in disgust)
Can’t you see?  It is a mini-series!
ERICA
Okay, you’re getting too emotional.  It’s time to go to sleep.   Animals, find your beds.
Faye curls back up in the pizza box and Stella curls up in a gigantic pizza box.   Erica turns off the lights.   Ben continues to click around on his computer.
ERICA (cont’d)
Ben, that means you, too.
BEN
I’m too pent up and anxious to sleep.
ERICA
But Ben!  The fair!
BEN
I guess we’ll just have to skip it.
ERICA
(in genuine horror:)
No!
BEN
I know...it’s a tragedy.
ERICA
But you promised!
BEN
Erica, work comes before play.
ERICA
Ben, I’ll do anything to convince you to take us to the fair tomorrow!
BEN
(sly:)
Well...a little sex might calm me down.
ERICA
Fine.  If that’s the way it needs to be, so be it.
Coolly, she adjusts herself and lays down.
CUT TO:
Sequence of a couple, (people who are much sexier and attractive than Ben and Erica), hard fucking.
CUT TO:
A black screen reads:

PART TWO: THE ARDUOUS JOURNEY
INT. CAR - MORNING
Ben drives and Erica sits in the passenger seat.  In the back are Stella and Lucy, and the rest of the space is taken up by coolers, sleeping bags, tents, stuffed toys, and anything else imaginable.   Stella is panting with her head out the window, and Faye is twirling his moustache while studying a huge map.  Erica is flipping through the radio while Ben appears frustrated.
ERICA
Nothing.  Nothing on.
BEN
I don’t know what we need all this for.  We’re only staying a few hours.  We’re not even spending the
night.
ERICA
Ben, I’m hungry!
BEN
Why don’t you get a sandwich out of the cooler?
ERICA
No thanks.
BEN
Why not?
ERICA
I’m not into it.
BEN
But you insisted!  You insisted on bringing those special sandwiches!  They cost thirty dollars!
ERICA
But now I’m in the mood for something hot.  Something spicy.  Hey, let’s pull in there!
Out of her window she spies an old, rustic dinner.  The front sign boasts the image of a happy family, all eating from the same giant cob of corn.
BEN
Disgusting!  I am not dining there!
ERICA
Oh, it’ll be fun!  Come on!
BEN
No!
ERICA
Yes.
She takes the wheel and spins the car into the parking lot.  They park and everyone walks into the diner while wearing matching sunglasses.
INT. DINER - MORNING
The diner is a traditional sleazy, greasy joint.  The surly PATRONS turn when the group enters, and take grim notice of their unusual appearances, particularly the pets, who are dressed in their Sunday finest.  The group sit in a row of four stools at the counter, and begin studying menus.  Nearby, a WAITRESS looks apprehensive and whispers something into the ear of the nasty-looking PROPRIETOR, who walks over to the gang.
PROPRIETOR
Can I take your order?
ERICA
(coolly, without taking off her sunglasses)
Um, yes.  I’d like a hummus and cracked wheat burrito with a side of imitation crab meat.
The proprietor stares at her in shock and horror.
ERICA (cont’d)
You do carry imitation crab meat, don’t you?
CUT TO:
The proprietor is chasing the gang out of his restaurant, while taking shots at them with a rifle.  Erica, Ben and the pets run into the car and speed off.
INT. CAR - MORNING
Erica is sulking in the front seat.  The pets are shivering in terror.  Ben remains calm.
BEN
It’s really not that big of a deal, darling.  You didn’t want to eat there, anyway.
ERICA
But I love rubbing elbows with the common man!
BEN
Well, there’ll be plenty of time for that later.  I’m sure the fair will be crowded with the weathered,
distant faces of the everyman. 
(pause)
Say, shouldn’t we be arriving by now?
ERICA
Seems like we’ve been driving forever!
BEN
Where is that map?
He turns around to search for the map in the back seat.
BEN (cont’d)
I can’t seem to find it anywhere!
ERICA
Here, let me help you look.
Ben and Erica both turn around in their seats and look for the missing map.   Ignoring the road, the car goes wild, swerving in and out of lanes, and driving through fields and orchards.  The pets are terrified, and cover their eyes with their paws.  Finally, Faye reaches out, shaking, and hands the map to Ben.
BEN
Ah, here it is!  That old cat had it again!  It’s so amusing when they pretend to be human. 
(studying the map)
Now, let’s see, we take a right, then a left, then continue on straight...
The gang looks up and discovers that their reckless driving has, in fact, lead them directly to the fair.  Erica and Ben look up, stunned.
ERICA
Can it be...
BEN
It can’t...
ERICA
It must be a mirage...
BEN
Or a beautiful dream...
ERICA AND BEN
We’re here!
The screen goes black, and reads:

PART THREE: DUSTY FAIRGROUNDS A’CALLIN’
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
The fair is off to a joyous start.  On the horizon lies merry-go-rounds, Ferris wheels, and games galore.  The gang seems to be in a daze as the gasp and gravitate towards the merriment.  They walk through a turnstile, blindly handing their money to an ATTENDANT.  The attendant notices the animals and puts her arm out to stop them.
ATTENDANT
Excuse me, ma’am.
She points to a sign that reads, “NO PETS ALLOWED.”
ERICA
(dazed:)
They prefer to be called, “companion animals.”
ATTENDANT
Well, alright, then.
She lets them pass.   They all hold hands as they walk into the horizon.  The screen fades to black, then reads:

FIVE MINUTES LATER
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Everyone is now carrying an assortment of prizes, balloons, and lollipops, so much that they are barely able to walk and must hobble along to keep all of their goods intact. 
ERICA
Well, everybody, where to next?
BEN
Oooh, the livestock!  The livestock!
ERICA
Me, I’m on the lookout for those giant pretzels!
Pretzels!  Pretzels!
Faye excitedly points to the Tilt A Whirl.  In the other direction, Stella points to a rollercoaster.
ERICA (cont’d)
Come on, everybody!  Let’s compromise. 
BEN
Fine.  Let’s compromise.
ERICA
So, pretzels it is!
BEN
No!  Livestock!
Once again, Stella and Faye point to their consecutive rides.
ERICA
Oh, enough of this!  Let’s just go to the petting zoo.
Everyone in the group sighs, dejected, and walks toward a barn that is painted with zebras, lions, and giraffes.
INT. PETTING ZOO - DAY
Contrary to what is depicted outside the barn, the petting zoo consists only of rag-tag household dogs and cats, many of them still wearing collars.  They mill around inside of a giant pen.  One of the dogs is eating a tin can.
BEN
This is it?
One of the scruffy hounds growls at Stella who shudders and hides behind Erica’s leg.
ERICA
This is terrifying!  Let’s get out of here.
They exit very quietly, tiptoeing, trying not to disturb the crazed, yet docile beasts surrounding them.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Everyone is a little more dejected.  The formerly boisterous balloons they were carrying have deflated, and are being dragged along the ground.  Also, everybody now was lice.  They scratch at their heads while walking.
BEN
What a disappointment!  You’ve failed again!
ERICA
With that kind of attitude, it’s no time before I break up with you.
BEN
(with great hatred and resentment:)
We’ll see about that...
(suddenly cheerful:)
Well!  Where to next?
ERICA
As stated before, giant pretzels!
Faye and Stella point to their favorite rides.  Fayes’ ride is now occupied mostly by cats whose faces express intense joy.  Stella’s ride, in the opposite direction, and merry hounds are riding it.
ERICA (cont’d)
Best sit down to consider.
They sit down in the middle of the dusty old walkway.  Patrons are forced to walk around them.  Ben and Erica appear horribly perplexed.  The animals are very anxious and excitable.  They try to run off to their favorite rides, but are deterred because Ben and Erica absentmindedly are holding on to their fur.
BEN
There’s so much to do!  How to fit it all in?
ERICA
We should probably do some calculations.
Ben and Erica break out their palm pilots.  They begin to poke at buttons and use their tiny pens. 
BEN
Let’s add it all up.  The Tilt-A-Whirl, the zeppoli barn -
ERICA
The singing fifth graders, the Tilt-A-Whip, the demonstration on house painting -
While Ben and Erica calculate, incredible opportunities are appearing for Faye and Stella.  A bunch of HOLLYWOOD HOTSHOTS comes across the animals and begins fawning over them.  On their suits are name-tags that read: HOLLYWOOD PUBLICISTS.  They hand thick scripts to the animals, who joyously begin to page through them.  Along comes some MAKEUP ARTISTS who begin to doll up the pets.  Within a few seconds, they are done up.  Stella is wearing a face-full of rouge, eyeliner, and ridiculous lipstick.  Fayes’ moustache has been curled in the shape of stars.  As their make-up is applied, Faye and Stella have become bored with the script and begin shaking their heads and crossing out lines they don’t like.  Finally, a fat PRODUCER appears, donning a white suit.  He presents the pets with a sheet of paper with the large headline: MOVIE CONTRACT.  Just as they are about to sign their names, Ben and Erica rip them up by their fur. 
BEN
What are you doing fooling about?  We’re making important decisions, here!
The Producer spies another dog and cat combo in the background and rushes toward them with the movie contract.  Faye and Stella’s faces droop.
ERICA
(to Faye:)
And take that make-up off.  You look like a goddamn whore.
Faye’s clenched claws scratch through the dust.
ERICA (cont’d)
So, where are we going?  It’s getting late!
A HAPPY FAMILY, MOTHER, FATHER, and TINY TYKE walk by.  The Mother is clearly dazed, as she smiles dumbly, her eyes wide-eyed and blankly gazing.  Father must hold her hand to keep her from wandering away.
TINY TYKE
Gee, Pops, who’d have thought livestock could be so fascinating!  I’d never know the arduous path from stockyard to slaughterhouse to table to nutrition if it weren’t for that amazing livestock tent!
Father laughs loudly and almost maliciously.  Ben looks at Erica with pleading eyes.
ERICA
(exasperated:)
All right!
EXT. OUTSIDE OF CHICKEN TENT - DAY
The gang approaches the tent.  Outside is painted a giant, happy chicken freely flapping its wings.  Outside the tour is a HAWKER.
HAWKER
Step up and see the wonders of agriculture!  Learn the marvelous from farm-fresh egg to quiche!
The gang enters the tent.
INT. CHICKEN TENT - DAY
The chicken tent is dark and dusty.  Like an actual chicken farm, chickens are shoved into cramped cages where they are unable to stretch their wings.  Awful “FARMER” tend to the chickens, constantly yelling at them and prodding them with iron poles.  The filthy chickens weakly squawk.  Some of them have gigantic beaks or multiple wings because of the hormones they’ve been given.  Whenever they lay an egg, it is snatched away by the sneering, laughing farmers.  It is a scene of true horror.  The gang gasps, shocked, and starts to back towards to door.  A farmer approaches them, his teeth hanging out of his mouth and his eyes gleaming devilishly red.  He is rotating three eggs in his hand, ominously.
FARMER
Whatsa matter?  Dontcha want an omelette 
Everyone screams.  The animals hair stands on end.  They flee from the tent.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Everyone is heaving and gasping for breath.
BEN
I’m...so...sorry...
ERICA
Why did we go there?  We don’t even eat eggs...
They instantly recompose themselves and continue to walk along.  Now, the balloons are deflated and the stuffed animals have stuffing coming out of them.
BEN
Now, let’s go somewhere relaxing.
ERICA
Like the beer garden?
BEN
Erica, we’re at the fair.  We came here to soak up culture.
Faye and Stella sadly look to their beloved rides.  Now, ANGELS are riding them.
ERICA
(grim:)
Fine.  Culture.
Sadly and hypnotically, the repeat, “Culture,” as they walk towards the arts and crafts tent.
INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS TENT - DAY
Fair-goers are milling about, looking at the work.  It consists of a pleasant mixture of wicker baskets, handmade dolls, and Christmas ornaments.  The artists have their own stands, and some of them have ribbons on them, denoting various awards.  Walking past the stands, they see a tiny dinner setting made out of Play-dough.  They also pass by a locker with an ARTIST locked inside.  On the locker is a ribbon for “Effort.”  The artist mutters weakly from inside the locker:
ARTIST
Help...
A small pedestal has been set up, where the winners will be announced.  The local high school ART TEACHER, a fat woman dressed in glasses and tapestries steps up to the podium.  Erica, Ben, and the animals join the crowd of onlookers.
ART TEACHER
Everybody!  We’ve come to a decision!
The milling crowd settles down.
ART TEACHER (cont’d)
Before we announce the grand winner, I’d like to give out the award for participation.  This artist, while not yet reaching his full potential.  He may not be there quite yet, but this young man may very well have quite a bright future in the field of crafts.  This year’s award for participation goes to...Mr. Jeff Koons.
The crowd politely applauds.  JEFF KOONS has obviously been expecting the grand prize, and his mouth drops open in shock.  He convalesces in horror and rips out chunks of his hair.  Beside him stands his piece - a full-sized sculpture of the Art Teacher, herself, cast in mylar-colored glass.  The Art Teacher pastes a participation ribbon on the sculpture as Jeff Koons falls to his knees and weeps into his hands.
ART TEACHER (cont’d)
And now, the grand prize winner!  An artist who has shown dedication, passion, and a quality that can only be described as talent.  This year’s grand prize goes to...Mrs. Maude Dewitt!
MAUDE DEWITT, a sweet old woman, gasps with surprise.  A sea of GRANDCHILDREN run up to her and hug her as she is surrounded by paparazzi, including one with a camera that has the “Art Forum” label on it.  Maude’s art consists of a series of small cat figurines that each hold a different colored orb.  The figurines are labeled by signs in categories corresponding to the color of the orbs such as, “love,” “hope,” or, “friendship.”  The Art Teacher walks up to her and presents her with the ribbon for “Best in Show,” as well as an over-sized check for ten-thousand dollars.  Bored, Ben, Erica, and the animals walk out of the arts and crafts tent as Jeff Koons shoots himself in the head in the background.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - NIGHT
Although minutes before, the sky was bright and clear, it is now the dead of night.  The fair is abandoned, and CUSTODIANS are sweeping up the wreckage.  The riders of Faye and Stella’s favorite rides are now ascending into the kingdom of heaven.  All of the carnival favors are now destroyed, and the giant lollypops have been transformed into giant spider-pops.  The gang stands alone, staring sadly at their surroundings.
ERICA
Well, a terrible time was had by all.
BEN
We should’ve known never to come.
ERICA
Why do we always get ourselves into the zany situations?
BEN
It’s just our way.
ERICA
So.  You wanna head home?
BEN
Home?  That’s all?  Are you sure there’s not another town in the next town?
ERICA
Are you jokin’?
BEN
But that can’t be the end of it!  I feel so empty and hollow!  This way, I’ll never get to sleep!
ERICA
Come on.  You can sleep at the wheel.
They start to walk away.  Everyone looks miserable.
BEN
Well, I want to die.
ERICA
Keep a chin up.  It’ll all be better in the morning, and we can pretend this whole horrible ordeal never happened.
BEN
(brightening up:)
And tomorrow, it’s on to the next adventure!
ERICA
That’s the attitude!  Now, let’s go home and I’ll prepare you an elaborate meal of textured soy bits!
From a distance, a single BEE spots the group.  We see them from the bee’s eye few as he rushes toward them.
BEN
Soy bits!  My favorite!
ERICA
Oh, Ben!  God, I love you!
She leans in to passionately kiss him, when the bee lands on her forehead and stings her.  Erica screams in agony, bending at the waist and holding her head in pain.  Everyone else’s faces turn to shock.
BEN
God!  No!
The scene freezes, with the animals eyes wide, their mouths in “O” shapes, Erica bent in misery, and Ben crying up to the heavens. 
Treacherous music plays.
The screen reads:
TO BE CONTINUED...

FADE TO BLACK.